Joke Thread... Laugh till u pengssss

[+evenstar]

6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cursing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,
and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[+evenstar]

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Thibodeaux and leave.
The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.
"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

[+evenstar]

A man approached a beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "Hi, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" asked the confused woman.

The man replied, "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

[+evenstar]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale resturant establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

[+evenstar]

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during their honeymoon.

When the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule to their work schedule. So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15.

This went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to the doctor to get a flu shot.

The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three.

The three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.

One germ said, "I am going to hide between two toes on her left foot. I don't think the antibiotics will find me there".

A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear. I don't think they'll find me there."

The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it!"

[+evenstar]

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did anything really good either. If you can point to even one REALLY GOOD DEED - you're in.'

The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!''

St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'

'Oh, about two minutes ago.'

[+evenstar]

A mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon in his shop, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come to take a look at his car.

The mechanic shouted across the garage,"Hello Doctor!! Please come over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So doctor, look at this. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this will work as a new one. So how come you get the big money, when you and me is doing basically the same work? "


The doctor leaned over and whispered to the mechanic."Try to do it when the engine is running".

[jediforce4ever]

I married Miss Right.

- I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months!

- I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.

- It's called wedding cake.

Marriage is a three ring circus:

- Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"

- I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.

- Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[Michael]

A Poem by Ong Ah Bee

Recently, my white MP,
nok on my door, and very kek ki..
Say 'I've worked so hard, so vote for me',
'Or rubbish won't be cleared, in your vicinty'..

I said 'Dear MP of my GRC',
'Dun remember u, so please pardon me'..
'I only saw you on TV',
'Dozing off and jiak liao bee'..

Last GE I voted for thee,
2% up in GST..
Cut CPF and up utility,
Are still very clear in my memory..

5 years later, then you come to me,
Fresh from your slumber of ivory..
Say that only, you can help me,
Escape from a life of poverty..

Just take a drive on CTE,
Count the number of gantries..
Or squeeze a ride on the MRT,
That has not been cleared for me

My life since the last GE,
Has been downhill though I voted PAP..
If I vote the same for your sleeping spree,
I can expect the same misery..

So this time round, I vote for somebody,
Who will kachiao you, to productivity..
Forms fill wrong, no big deal to me,
If there's someone to speak up for Ah Bee..

So dear MP of GRC,
If life no improve, vote u cho simi?