Joke Thread... Laugh till u pengssss

[Michael]

How Mas Selemat Got Away

[hwchoy]

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be President.
- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.
- You can play with toys all your life.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[UKay]

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be President.
- You can never be pregnant.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- Same work, more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood all the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You only have to shave your face and neck.
- You can play with toys all your life.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
- You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

i love the last one...

[+evenstar]

*Stunning*
"May I know your name?.."
"Batman..."

"May I know your name?"
"My name is Bat-man..."

"Trying to be funny?!. What is your surname?.."
"Supar-man..."

"I want to speak with your manager..."
 

[+evenstar]

THINGS ON Mas Selamat TO DO LIST
THINGS ON THE ESCAPED TERRORIST’S TO DO LIST

by Kway Kah Chng

Maybe we can catch this fella faster if we acted like all those criminal psychologists on TV and tried to “think like him”. So we did, and here’s what we came up with: THINGS ON THE ESCAPED TERRORIST’S TO DO LIST

1. Check 2 years’ worth of email.

2. Send out some ‘Change of Address’ notices.

3. Get a hot shower after having to escape through that toilet.

4. Catch up on all those episodes of ‘Lost’ I’ve stored on my DVR.

5. Pitch to MediaCorp my idea for a new reality show: “Who Wants to Marry the Country’s Most Wanted Man”.

6. Call up CMPB and apply for exit permit.

7. Log on to Facebook and:

a. change status update from ‘Selamat is meeting family today’ to ‘Selamat is hiding in a sewer somewhere until the coast is clear’.

b. update my profile picture to reflect my new disguise.

c. poke Osama.

8. Clarify to the press that it’s my LEG that’s limp. LEG!

9. Now that I’m out, I can hantam the smart-asses in my cell group who started referring to me in my absence as “Lim Peh” and added all those ‘Limp Bizkit’ songs to my iPod.

10. Forward my Her World subscription to my new address.

11. Write a novel chronicling my escape to Indonesia: “From First World to Third”

12. Finally get to use soft toilet paper, not the type at Whitley Road that’s so bleddy tough, you can make a rope with it to climb out the window.

13. Send Wong Kan Seng a postcard from Pekan Baru.

[hwchoy]

I only want cat mountain king hor

[+evenstar]

On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered. "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery."

He cycled down the road as fast as he could and found an old man hobbling along with a cane. "Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is." But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling the truth. Let's find out if we can see the devil himself." Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, but they were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought-iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done." They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

[+evenstar]

A hunter set out for the woods with his rifle, looking for bear. A couple of hours passed and he saw brown fur deep in the bushes.

He took careful aim and fired, there was a great commotion in the undergrowth and he hurried to the spot to see what he had shot.

He was amazed to find no trace of the animal and was still searching when a paw tapped him on the shoulder, he turned to find a big male bear, wearing a nasty expression.

He was amazed when the bear took his gun and snapped it in half.

He was even more amazed when the bear spoke. "That was not a nice thing to do?" said the bear. Displaying a handful of very large sharp claws the bear said "I am going to have to kill you now, Unless!"

"Unless what?" the hunter said.

"Unless you step behind that bush remove your jeans and underwear, bend over and let me have my way with you" said the bear.

With no other option the hunter complied and following a very painful interlude walked, with difficulty, back to camp.

A few days later, armed with a bigger gun, he set out for the woods again.

Following a long hike through the trees he saw a bear in plain sight beside some bushes, took aim and shot it. The hunter ran to the place to see if it was the same bear. There was no bear to be seen. He was still searching the under growth when he felt a familiar tap on the shoulder.

It was the same bear, who took his gun and bent it into a circle. "What is it to be?" The bear asked. "Be torn to death or service me and, my four brothers?"

The hunter reached camp two days later, crawling on all fours. He took a week to heal and then, armed with the biggest gun he could find, the hunter set off determined to find revenge. Deep in the woods, once again, he saw a brown furry shape almost hidden by a tree. Taking careful aim he shot it.

When he reached the scene he saw there was no corpse. He stepped around the tree to check and found a long line of smiling bears.

At which time a familiar voice said, "You are not really here for the hunting, are you?"

[UKay]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

[UKay]

Her daughter's letter

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy.

He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Brooke

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

[Canew]

Her daughter's letter

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with John and he is so nice even with all his piercing, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we will be very happy.

He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure deserves it!

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your daughter, Brooke

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card which is in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

Clever Brooke. 

[UKay]

Clever Brooke. 

if your daughter tries this with u someday.... 

[Kwanon]

omglol that was a good one

[Canew]

if your daughter tries this with u someday.... 

Wah! That IS a scary thought... 

[+evenstar]