Joke Thread... Laugh till u pengssss

[+evenstar]

There was a navy ship out at sea. The captain saw an enemy ship on the horizon and says “Bring me my red shirt.”

His assistant asked “why?”

“So, if I start bleeding the blood will blend in and you will not distracted.”

The next day there were 40 ships on the horizon and then he said “Bring me my brown pants.”

[+evenstar]

[UKay]

here was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

[UKay]

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied,
down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

[UKay]

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

[UKay]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

[Michael]

wtf. omg. lol.

[Nick]

George W. Bush's Resume

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500

Past Work Experience

    * Ran for congress and lost.
    * Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
    * Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
    * Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.
    * With father's help (and his name) was elected Governor of Texas.

Accomplishments in Previous Positions

    *      Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
    *      Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America. Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
    *      Set record for most executions by any governor in American history. 
    *      Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments As President

    * Attacked and took over two countries.
    * Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
    * Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history.
    * Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
    * Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
    * First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
    * First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
    * First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
    * After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
    * Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
    * In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
    * Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
    * Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
    * Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
    * Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
    * Signed more laws and executive orders amending the Constitution than any president in U.S. history.
    * Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
    * Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
    * Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans.
    * Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind.
    * Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
    * My presidency is the most secretive and unaccountable of any in U.S. history.
    * Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
    * First president in U.S. history to have all 50 states of the Union simultaneously go bankrupt.
    * Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
    * First president in U.S. history to order a U.S. attack and military occupation of a sovereign nation.
    * Created the largest government department bureaucracy in the history of the United States.
    * Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
    * First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.
    * First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
    * Removed more checks and balances, and have the least amount of congressional oversight than any presidential administration in U.S. history.
    * Rendered the entire United Nations irrelevant.
    * Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
    * Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
    * First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
    * All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
    * My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
    * Spent more money on polls and focus groups than any president in U.S. history.
    * First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community.
    * First president to run and hide when the U.S. came under attack (and then lied saying the enemy had the code to Air Force 1)
    * First U.S. president to establish a secret shadow government.
    * Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world (possibly the biggest diplomatic failure in U.S. and world history).
    * With a policy of 'disengagement' created the most hostile Israeli-Palestine relations in at least 30 years.
    * Fist U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
    * First U.S. president in history to have the people of South Korea more threatened by the U.S. than their immediate neighbor, North Korea.
    * Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
    * Set all-time record for number of administration appointees who violated U.S. law by not selling huge investments in corporations bidding for government contracts.
    * Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
    * Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building. After 18 months I have no leads and zero suspects.
    * In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented any public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
    * Removed more freedoms and civil liberties for Americans than any other president in U.S. history.
    * In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.
    * Entered office with the strongest economy in U.S. history and in less than two years turned every single economic category heading straight down.

Records and References

    * At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available)
    * AWOL from National Guard and deserted the military during a time of war.
    * Refuse to take drug test or even answer any questions about drug use.
    * All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been spirited away to my father's library, sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
    * All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
    * All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view.
    * Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.
    * For personal references please speak to my daddy or uncle James Baker (they can be reached at their offices of the Carlyle Group for war-profiteering.)

[Nick]

Three Brazilian Soldiers

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[hwchoy]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a lovely blonde woman and
ordered a glass of champagne.
 
The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!'
 
'What a coincidence,' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me. I am
Celebrating.'
 
'This is a special day for me too. I am also celebrating!' says the woman.
 
'What a coincidence!' says the farmer. As they clinked glasses the man asked,
'What are you celebrating?'
 
'My husband and I have been trying to
have a child and today my gynaecologist
told me that I am pregnant!'
 
'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all
of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'    ;
'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
 
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
 
The woman smiled and said,  'What a coincidence!'
 

[+evenstar]

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as
dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his
lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! I always go exactly the speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly! Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask . . . Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[+evenstar]

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

[+evenstar]

An artist had been working on a nude portrait for a long time. Every day, he was up early and worked late - bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush. As each day passed, he gained a better understanding of the female body and was able to really make his paintings shine.

After a month, the artist had become very weary from this non-stop effort and decided to take it easy for the day. Since his model had already shown up, he suggested they merely have a glass of wine and talk - since normally he preferred to do his painting in silence.

They talked for a few hours, getting to know each other better. Then as they were sipping their claret, the artist heard a car arriving outside. He jumped up and said, "Oh no! It's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

[+evenstar]

A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"

[+evenstar]

Cost Cutting
DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL STATUS OF THE COMPANY. ALL EMPLOYEES ARE ENCOURAGED TO ADOPT THE FOLLOWING COST CUTTING MEASURES

Lodging
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

Transportation
Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial
transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

Meals
Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations.

If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use "all you can eat" salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

Miscellaneous
All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.