Joke Thread... Laugh till u pengssss

[UKay]

Was going thru my old emails... Got inspired to start a joke thread... alot of the jokes will be repeated... but i think its still fun lah... Guys.... n Girls... pls contribute yours too leyyy...

The Future of Customer Service

Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut."

Customer: "Haloo, can I order ..."

Operator: "Can I have your multi purpose smart card number, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on .... 6102049998-45-54610"

Operator: "OK ... you're ... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu.
Your home number is 4123456, your office 7654 3210 and your mobile is
91234567. "

Customer: "How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator: "We are connected to the Main CRM system Sir"

Customer: "I want Seafood Pizza ..."

Operator: "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "Why?!"

Operator: "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure
and an even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What? ... What do you recommend then?"

Operator: "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know I will like it?"

Operator: "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the
National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK, I give up ... Give me three family sized ones then. How much
will that cost?

Operator: "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is
$49.99"

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator: "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over
the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last year",
That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw some
cash before your guy arrives"

Operator: "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily
limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How
long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator: "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come
and collect it on your motorcycle.."

Customer: " What?!"

Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Scooter,...
registration number E1123 ..."

Customer: "*'!^ *#?@%^**%^I7*"

Operator: "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you
were convicted of using abusive language at a policeman ...

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator: "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing ... by the way ... aren't you giving me that 3 Free
bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator: "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also a
diabetic ....... "

Customer: *Hangs Up*

.
.
.
.
.

5 minutes later... *Beep Beep*
Customer looks at handphone SMS:

"Sir, do you still want your order? If this is a prank call, we will refer you to our prank call department. - Pizza Hut"

[boredphuck]

Ferrari in a Garage

One fine sunny day, Johnny and Susie were sitting on the sandbox playing, naked.

Johnny and Susie was curious, why they have different *parts*.

So, Johnny went home, and asked :

" MUM! Why does Susie have a hole and I have a stick??"

His mum replies : " Susie has a garage, and you have a Ferrari. Men park their cars in the garage when they are ready. "

" Oh... "

Susie reached her house and asked her father:

" Papa, why does Johnny have a stick between his legs and I have a hole? "

" No, Susie, that is the Ferrari! Don't let him park his Ferrari in your garage! "

"Oka...y...y"

The next day, both of them were on the sandbox again, playing naked.

Johnny exclaimed : " Oh, Susie ,let me park my Ferrari! "

Susie replied : No! "

He insisted and even tried to park his Ferrari.

And after 10 minutes Susie went home.

" SUSIE! Why are there bloods on your hands! "

" Mom, Johnny tried to park his Ferrari, so I just pulled the back wheels off. "

[+evenstar]

No Eared Interview
A guy walks in for his interview. The man who's interviewing him has no ears.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

2nd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."

Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."

This guy on the way out says to the 3rd guy "Whatever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears. He'll kick you right out."

3rd guy walks in for his interview.

The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"

The guy looks at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."

The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"

3rd guy "Because you don't have any ears to hang glasses on."

[+evenstar]

 I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.

We decided to grab a bite to eat at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response...

"I Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

[+evenstar]

 Mr. Jones is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

Mr. Jones is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to receive 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn't want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

Mrs. Jones is first.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

Mrs. Jones has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

Next it is Mr. Jones' mother-in-law's turn.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings."

"Okay, that shall be granted to you."

The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

Then comes Mr. Jones himself.

"What do you wish for yourself?"

"I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?"

"Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable."

"I would like 100 lashes instead of 50."

The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, "Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?" "I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back."

[+evenstar]

Useless in the Parking Lot
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.

When returning to her car she found that she had locked herkeys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.

She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.

She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.

Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God!

You even sent me a Professional!"

[+evenstar]

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde in a Fire


A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH the firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!" "Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

[+evenstar]

 Signboard Outside A Prostitute's House:
Married MEN Not Allowed.
We Serve The Needy, Not The Greedy...
~~~~~~
Written On The T-Shirt Of A Girl:
SITUATORY WARNING:
Objects Inside The T-Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear From Outside.
~~~~~~
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New
Delhi .
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
~~~~~~
A drunkard was brought to court.
Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, 'Order, order.'
The drunkard immediately responded, 'Thank you, your honor, I'll have
a scotch and soda.'
~~~~~~~
Man Quits Smoking Because Of Will Power.
He Quits Drinking Because Of Will Power.
But He Quits Womanizing Because He Has The Will But No Power.
~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter ?
~~~~~~
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day,shouting,
'Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!'
'That's great, Sweetheart,' said her daddy.
'Come in to the living room and tell me about it.'
'Well,' began the confession, 'I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in
science.'
~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
~~~~~~
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
~~~~~~~
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .
~~~~~~~~
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
~~~~~~~~~
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
~~~~~~~
Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game
went into extra time.
~~~~~~~
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
' How long has what been going on?' said the man.
~~~~~~~
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
~~~~~~~~
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
~~~~~~~~
Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days
time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

[+evenstar]

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour.  Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.  At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

 ’You have been to France before, monsieur?’ the customs officer asked sarcastically.
 
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

‘Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.’

The American said, ‘The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.’

‘Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!’

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. ‘Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ‘44 to help liberate this country,  I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.’

[+evenstar]

A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's
sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a
headache."

"No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee,he won't even
taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got
on."

A week later, Mrs Murphy returns to the doctor and the doctor inquires
as
to how things went.

"Oh it was horrible doctor, just terrible."

"Why, what happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised - and slipped the Viagra into his coffee.
The
effect was immediate. He jumped straightup, swept everything off the
table,
at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make
passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?"
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years,but I'll never
be
able to show my face in Starbucks again!"

[+evenstar]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[+evenstar]

 Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
It's fun to cook for Tim.
Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said,
"Beat 12 eggs separately."
Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper.
The recipe said, "Serve without dressing."
So I didn't dress.
But Tim happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them, I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,
"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice."
So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice.
Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the day. I can't say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again.
I tried a new recipe.
It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one
hour before serving." I hunted all over the place for a garden and when I got one, I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there for over one hour so
the dog would not take it. Tim came over and asked if I felt all
right. I wonder why? He must be stressed at work, I'll try and be supportive.


Friday:
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies.
It said, "Put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it."
Beat it I did, to my mum's place.
There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again, it looked the same as when I left it.

Saturday:
Tim went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens dress for Sunday. I never notice back on the farm, but I found an old doll dress and its little cute shoes. I thought the hen looked really cute. When Tim saw it, he started counting to ten.
Either he was really stressed because of his work, or he wanted the chicken to dance.

When I asked him what was wrong, he started crying and shouting out "Why me? Why me?". It has to be his job ...

[+evenstar]

 HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Girls:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her,
she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources.
If you try to uninstall her you will lose something,
if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

[+evenstar]

 An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[+evenstar]

 A China pumpkin girl was visiting New York, went
>into a worldwide message center wanting to send an urgent important
>message to her mother in China.
>
>The Italian guy at the counter told her it would
>cost around US$100.
>She exclaimed, " I don't have
>that kind of money,but I will do anything to get a
>message to my mother in China !"
>
>The Italian smiled, arched an eyebrow and asked,
>"Anything?"
>Yes, I promise...anything ! " she said.
>
>With that, the Italian said, " Follow me." He led
>her to the next room and said, " Come in and close the door. "
>
>" Get down on your knees ! " he ordered. She did.
>" Unzip me !" he said.
>She did.
>Then he said, " Go on...take it out. "
>
>She did and grabbed it with both hands excitedly.
>The Italian closed his eyes and & whispered, " Go ahead girl, what
>are you waiting for ?"
>
>Ms China pumpkin girl slowly brought her lips
>closer and said loudly,
>"Hello....hello Ah Ma!!!..can you hear me?!